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Stephen Colbert's Doom Bunker
March 4, 2009 Warning * After the break, Dr. Colbert welcomes The Heroes to the Doom Bunker, where he will imagine some possible, future dire scenarios * joining Dr. Colbert to discuss the hypothetical death of all that he loves is: ** Retired Army Colonel Jack Jacobs ** Stephen Moore, writer for the Wall Street Journal * Jacobs is qualified to talk about dire scenarios ** he is a veteran ** was awarded the Medal of Honor ** member of the Council on Foreign Relations * Moore is just as qualified because he was on Glenn Beck's "War Room" ** Moore became terrified * Dr. Colbert ordered Jimmy to make more fog * Dr. Colbert warned his guests that he would propose a few scenarios, but he isn't looking for solutions ** he just wants to talk about how horrible they would be Please note: everything west of The Mississippi is now Mexico * militarily-speaking Jacobs says it will never happen ** Dr. Colbert wants to know if the Army can fire on its own people ** Jacobs clings to his assertion that there will not be an insurrection nor will the Army shoot its own people * economically-speaking Moore says the Eastern United States should not trade with Newer Mexico ** and that he hopes NAFTA is still around ** free trade is still good for the economy (even if there's only half an America) ** Texans don't want to go to Mexico ** but, it's okay if Kansas did * Moore says scenario 2 is not going to happen * in world where our only source of protein is also our currency, Moore says to plant soy beans everywhere * Moore recommends not eating your money ** Dr. Colbert agreed because you really will be shitting it away * for National Security reasons, Dr. Colbert could not divulge the information with Moore that he will now disclose to Col. Jacobs: ** in 2014, America will have a werewolf Congress * after carefully considering this newly classified information, Jacobs tells Dr. Colbert that there are no werewolves ** he insists that the Army would not use silver bullets (falling back on his insistence that werewolves do not exist) * Dr. Colbert swings back over to the other side of The C-Desk to discuss whether America can afford silver bullets with Stephen Moore ** Dr. Colbert believes commodities will be very precious *** Moore agrees that there will be hyper-inflation * evil robots in every garage ** robots with armed, mounted plasma-cannons that can then fold up and become a Camaro * may sound like the insane ramblings of a syphilitic brain, but, in a crazy world where monkeys eat meat, Dr. Colbert asks Col. Jacobs if America should go nuculer in Scenario #3 ** Jacobs says that Decepticons are only toys ** Jacob says America would never shoot nuculer weapons at Decepticons *** Dr. Colbert says we should keep them on the table * Moore is dumbstruck ** he cannot believe that socialism works * if Scenario #4 shows that the government might be able to do some things, Mr. Moore will have to rethink everything he believes in ** Dr. Colbert prays that will never come to pass